The Agony of Desire

Consumed by Longing: The Anxiety of Unfulfilled Desire, and The Nausea In My Stomach; Exploring the Emotional and Physical Toll of Unattainable Longings

Endymion by George Frederick Watts (1817-1904)

Suddenly, I have found myself sitting in the space in between, on my own and left with very fragile parts of myself that I haven’t learned to heal yet, and a mind that is loud and convincing that this space will last forever. I have found pieces of myself that I find disgusting, that I have no clue how to begin to change because it seems so necessary.

With our emotions, fear and desire are often seen as opposing forces—one repelling, the other attracting. Yet, with closer looks, they’re far more intertwined. The things we fear often mirror our deepest desires, and here we create a space where the boundaries between what we dread and what we crave become blurred. People harbor similar “bad” desires but hesitate to express them, and how greater honesty about these hidden aspects of ourselves could foster more meaningful connections.

Friedrich Nietzsche, for example, explored the idea that humans are driven by a “will to power,” a concept that includes both noble and ignoble desires. Nietzsche argued that our fear of confronting these darker desires often leads us to suppress them, resulting in a kind of internal conflict that denies our true nature. According to him, the suppression of these desires is not only futile but harmful, as it prevents us from embracing our full potential. In this view, fear ad desire are not opposites but rather two sides of the same coin, each reflecting different aspects of the human will.

Sigmund Freud, offers a view that suggest hat socially unacceptable desires are pushed into the unconscious mind, where they manifest as fears or phobias. For Freud, these repressed desires often emerge in disguised forms, revealing themselves in dreams, slips of the tongue, or irrational fears. For instance, someone who fears snakes might actually harbor a hidden desire related to the forbidden or the unknown, which the sake symbolizes. In this sense, fear can be seen as a defense mechanism against acknowledging these taboo desires, a way to keep them hidden from concious awareness.

Carl Jung, a student of Freud, expanded on this idea with his concept of the “shadow”—the hidden part of our personality that contains our repressed desires and fear. For Jung, the shadow represents everything we refuse to acknowledge about ourselves, including our “bad” desires. He argued that integrating the shadow into our conscious awareness is needed for our psychological health. Acknowledging the shadow involves confronting the darker aspects of human nature.

Cognitive dissonance also plays a role in the relationship between fear and desire. This concept refers on the discomfort experienced when we hold two contradictory beliefs or attitudes. For example, someone may consciously reject certain “bad” desires while unconsciously being drawn to them. This dissonance creates psychological tension, which we often resolve by either suppressing the desire or rationalizing it in some way.

The duality of fear and desire is a recurring theme in literature, often explored through characters who are drawn to what they fear most. In Dante’s Inferno, for example, the journey through Hell can be seen as an exploration of human fears—sin, damnation, and the eternal consequences of giving in to forbidden desires. Dante’s characters are trapped in Hell not just because they sinned, but because they were unable to reconcile their desires with their moral beliefs.

Similarly, in Bram Stoker’s Dracula, the titular character embodies the fear of and desire for the unknown, the forbidden, and the monstrous. Dracula is both terrifying and alluring; he represents the fear of death and the unknown, but also the desire for immortality, power, and forbidden pleasures. His victims are simultaneously repulsed by and drawn to him.

In modern media, the fascination with "dark" desires continues to captivate audiences. Films, books, and TV shows often explore themes of violence, revenge, infidelity, and other "bad" desires, while also portraying these desires as taboo. Characters who engage in morally ambiguous or outright evil actions are often depicted as complex and multidimensional. This is a collective ambivalence about our "bad" desires. On one hand, we are fascinated by them and drawn to stories that explore them; on the other, we feel compelled to repress and deny them, maintaining a facade of moral rectitude.

Many so-called "bad" desires—such as envy, anger, lust, and revenge—are universal human experiences. Despite this, people often feel isolated in their desires, believing them to be unique or shameful. Breaking the silence about "bad" desires also requires a willingness to confront our own discomfort and the discomfort of others. It involves challenging social norms and moral judgments that dictate what is acceptable to discuss and what must remain hidden. By doing so, we can create a culture that values honesty and authenticity, where people feel safe to express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or condemnation.

However, desire has an even more annoyingly twisted side that can lead to intense anxiety, especially when the object of desire feels unattainable. This anxiety, born from unfulfilled longing, can feel like a slow decomposition, a gradual breakdown of both mind and body as the fear of not achieving one's desires takes root.

Philosophers have long examined the bridge between desire and suffering, suggesting that desire, when unmet, can lead to profound anxiety and distress. Arthur Schopenhauer, a 19th-century philosopher, argued that desire is the root of all suffering. For Schopenhauer, desire represents the "will," a relentless force that drives us to seek satisfaction. However, because our desires are often insatiable or unattainable, this drive leads to a cycle of perpetual dissatisfaction and suffering. The more we desire, the more we suffer, as our inability to achieve or possess the desired object or person creates a sense of existential despair.

Schopenhauer's ideas resonate with the concept of anxiety due to unfulfilled desire. When desire is intense and the desired object or goal seems out of reach, it can lead to a debilitating anxiety that consumes the individual. This form of anxiety is not just about the fear of not obtaining the desired object but also about the fear of what that failure says about the self. The longing becomes a source of self-doubt and existential dread, leading to a feeling of psychological decomposition, where one’s sense of self begins to deteriorate under the weight.

Existentialist philosophers, such as Jean-Paul Sartre, introduced the concept of "being-for-others," where individuals seek validation or love from others to define their self-worth. When this validation is not forthcoming, or when the desired relationship remains unfulfilled, it leads to a sense of existential anxiety. This anxiety is rooted in the fear that one’s existence lacks meaning without the fulfillment of these desires. In such cases, the individual’s identity becomes fragmented, leading to a feeling of decomposition or self-loss, where the desire for the other consumes the self to the point of disintegration.

Obsessive-compulsive tendencies can also manifest in the context of desire. When the fear of not achieving a desired outcome becomes overwhelming, individuals may develop obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors as a way to cope with their anxiety. This cycle of obsession and compulsion is often reinforced by anxiety, leading to a debilitating loop where the individual becomes trapped in their thoughts and fears.

This isn’t just a psychological experience but also a somatic one. The body often responds to intense psychological stress with physical symptoms, reflecting the internal turmoil of unfulfilled longing. Psychosomatic symptoms, such as insomnia, nausea, headaches, and digestive issues, are common manifestations of anxiety. These symptoms suggest that the body "decomposes" under the weight of anxiety, mirroring the mental anguish. 

The metaphor of decomposing is particularly apt in describing the physical effects of anxiety. Just as a body breaks down under stress or decay, the individual’s mental and physical health deteriorates over time when overwhelmed by the anxiety of unfulfilled desire. This form of self-destruction is gradual and insidious, eroding both the mind and body in a way that feels akin to a slow, painful death.

Like all the greats before me, I am charging forward into a manic-anxious chaos in a way that I will inevitably romanticize regardless of the situation. It is a very lucky thing that I am no longer as temperamental or purposefully self-destructive. I am not capable of perpetual sanity, I am only capable of watching myself spiral through a cycle that apparently never ends.